If I told you I couldn't breathe right now would you hold me and make me better or let me suffocate.

If you saw me at a store would you walk up to me or run and hide

Do you fall asleep easily at night or do you toss and turn over memories of you and I?

Do you miss the way my hair smells or the color of my eyes.

I would never wish you pain, but I do wish you know how I felt.  My whole life has crumbled before my eyes and I feel like I have been living in a lie.

The hardest thing I ever had to do was definitely when I decided to walk away from you.

Open up to me and tell me how you feel. Maybe I will find out everything actually was real.

Well.... now i feel sick.

Why do I let things get to the point where it physically makes me ill?  I feel sick now.  I over think things too much instead of giving it up to God and doing my best.  I can't stand feeling the way I have felt which stresses me out even more which has, in turn, brought on migraines and nausea. I wish I knew what I could do other than sit and wait.

Loneliness

If felt really good spending time with my sister and niece tonight, but not having my text responded to from who I really needed to hear from made me feel so lonely. I have so many people that care about me and are there for me... but they can't fill the void I'm experiencing right now.  There is only one person. But I am trying to give the necessary space and hold up my end.  My heart might ache, but I try to think about what the future might hold. All I can do is give it up to God and pray. At least I got to hear this person's voice earlier today for a minute. I needed it and it did help quite a bit. 

The future

As little girls we think we have it all figured out. The dress. The church. The cake. How many kids. What kind of house. The dog. How many cars. Even the little white picket fence.

When we hit high school, we start to picture what Guy...and soon learn that the vision of who he is will continue to change and develop. We learn our likes and dislikes. We Learn what qualities are important to us.

Then, we hit a point where nothing else matters but his love. That is when you know in your heart what you truly want. Yes, you still want the dress, cake, ceremony... but you realize the most important part is with whom these things are taking place.

Then there is the longing for children. You know when it isn't the right time... and you dream for the day that it will be.  You long to have someone who unconditionally loves you and relies on you 100% because you are all they know.  You imagine what it will be like and pray that one day it will all happen for you.

Hearing their voice...

Sometimes all you need is just to hear someone's voice. Sometimes it's possible, and sometimes it's not. When you miss someone with your whole heart all you want is comfort and reassurance. When someone has passed on we rely on knowing they're always there for us and watching over us. When someone is just a distance away, we just hope and pray that everything will be okay and wait for the phone to ring. Hearing their voice bring hope.  It brings comfort. It reassures us that everything will be okay. It also reminds us that the ones we will never forget truly are watching out for us.

I miss you

Mom, you were always there for me.  You taught me to be who I am today. You fought for me and taught me right from wrong. You always stood up for me and you had the kindest, most sincere heart of anyone I have ever known.  I wish you were here by me now, but I know you are in heaven shining down on my blessing me everyday. I just wish you were here with me from one more day. I would spend the day talking to you and finding out all the things I will now never have the chance to. I would spend the day in your arms and telling you how much I love you.  Hind sight is 20/20.... but I wish I would have known then what I finally know now. You will always be in my heart and will always be on my mind.  I hope that one day I will make you proud. I miss you Mom.

We can agree to disagree

I've come to the conclusion that some people will never change.  You don't have to like me if you don't want to... but please don't treat me like I am nothing.  We don't have to agree on anything...but don't treat me like I know nothing.  You have always acted like this to me.... and it hurts.  But we are family and no matter what I will always love you.  I wish we could get past this...but I have hit a boiling point.  I guess I will just try to avoid conflict, even if that means avoiding you.  Not that you will ever read this,  but I'm sorry for whatever unforgivable thing you think I may have done, even if that is being born.  Just know I love you.

1-5

I need to move forward with my life no matter what does or doesn't happen. I'm setting up some goals for myself.

1. Health - I need to eat healthier and work out more often. My mom's passing really put that into prospective for me. I want to have lots of kids and live a very long time and see my grandchildren and great grandchildren grow up.

2. Money - it isn't the answer to everything... But budgeting it better sure will help. If I can save up for the future it will help me out tremendously in the long run... After all, we are going to be lucky if my dads generation gets to see social security.

3. Family & Friends - the people who have always been there for me mean the world to me. I've even had a few new people come into the picture that I know I would d anything for. I hope to do what's beest for myself and my family, first and foremost, but continue to be a good friend. I was raised to always be there for someone when they are in need. I am going to do my best to continue this even thou sometimes it is hard. I feel like a let a friend down yesterday, but mentally, I couldn't handle going out. I may not always be able to do everything for everyone else, but at least I will try my best to continue to try to!

4. love - love hurts sometimes... But when you love someone it is all or nothing... And I am all in. No matter what it takes. But I am also going to make sure that I do right by myself because if I am not happy, I can't give my whole heart to someone else and make them happy. I want the man I love to be able to be happy and be himself so I will do my best to give him the space he needs while he needs it.

5. Goals - I have always had goals for myself... However, right now I don't feel stuck like I did for a very long time. I am going to start reaching for the stars because I feel like I am slowly getting a little closer to them. I am the only one who can make my hopes and dreams come true.

Life

I don't want to live this way but I don't have much of a choice.  You can't help what or who you love.  The biggest obstacles in life are sometimes the most rewarding... I just hope that is the case this time.  I might not understand why things are happening the way they are....but all I can do is hope and pray that things will work out in the end.  Am I happy right now? Well, I have a great job and a lot of people who love me, but no, I am not happy.  I love someone and I have to give them space.  It is hard...but if it makes things better in the end, I am all in.  When you love someone you make sacrifices and even though I feel like I am falling apart, I am doing what I need to do because this person means the world to me and is worth it.